Webster’s dictionary defines communication as a giving or an exchanging of information, messages, etc. . . . Now all of us, be he young or old, parent or teenager, student or teacher, have a communication problem. There is not one of us who can escape completely times when there is a failure to communicate in our own lives.
For myself this problem became a very real reality recently. Since things have slowed down at work, I have been getting home an hour earlier than in the past. Now when I walk in the door there are times when our sons are watching their favorite cartoon program, and it isn’t at all uncommon that they will not hear me or anything that is said by either myself or my wife for the length of that program. Even though they are only four years old there are times when they just choose not to hear what you are saying.
This is only one example of a situation that will repeat itself hundreds of times over the years. There seems to be a battle of wills between parents and their children. This problem, although always there, seems to become most noticeable during the teen years. And it is that problem that I would like to look at with you, but please bear in mind that this whole area of communication could be called a two-way street. What is said about the parent’s responsibility is on the other hand just as true for the teenager. Communication between parent and teenager is a joint responsibility.
As unappealing as this whole area of communication between parent and teens is, the problem is a normal one, a typical family situation even for a Christian home. Looking back to my own teen years, it seems to me that this problem is really not so much rebellion on the teen’s part when he ignores his or her parents, as it is a desire to decide for himself how he will use his own time. When a teen was younger, he more or less went with what his parents asked him to do. But now he is beginning to test whether he really exists as a person or if he is just an extension of his parents.
Each family has to decide how to handle each of the issues that confront the teenager and his parent almost continually. From what I have been able to find on this subject it seems that most of these issues can be placed into very concrete categories. These issues could be grouped into these area: getting home at a certain time, cleaning one’s room, watching television, listening to music (type and volume), using the telephone, one’s grades, using the car, caring for one’s clothes, choosing one’s friends, and spending money.
Remember that your parents are trying to communicate a set of values and priorities to you, which are based on their own perspectives and experiences.
Communication in the home depends on the respect of each family member for the others in the family. You have to respect the differences that are there and the seriousness of each one’s particular problems. As a father, I have to realize that the problems my four year old sons have are as great and serious to them as the problems I face each day. This applies to the teen and his parents as well. One problem isn’t big and the other small, all problems are very important. Each person in the family has to try and get inside or empathize with the other. When a young person is treated in a way that belittles his or her problem, the teenager senses this. And you know from your own experience that if you feel that someone doesn’t take you seriously, you tend to clam up. Parents cannot expect their children to talk about their joys and pains unless they know that they will be taken seriously and that someone is sincerely interested.
One word by an adult that may be just on the edge of disapproval could very possibly damage a young person’s fragile self-esteem. Parents have to take them seriously and really value what they say.
One of the best times to listen to each other comes when you sit down together for a meal. I know that this can be a difficult thing to do, especially with the hectic life style we all seem to lead, but a meal together is still worth the effort. Everyone feels things and has opinions and knows what his or her classmates feel. Expressing one’s feelings can be the starting point for beginning family discussions. But remember, when a young person is asked for his opinion he has to have the confidence that he can answer and not be put down. Even if there is disagreement, after all a young person can be just as wrong as anyone, credit should be given for the teen’s thoughts. But the parent also has a God-given responsibility to see that the children he has been given receive the very best answers. A parent must base all of his views and thoughts after all on the Word of God. And where his teens differ from God’s Word it is his covenant duty to show this to them.
Parents may find, however, that they have done a lot of needless worrying if they ask questions like: “What kind of person do you want to be?” or “What kind of friends do you want?”
As teenagers share their goals and ideas we can get a glimpse of their value structure and reasoning process. As I read recently, “If we understand the compass that guides them, we are more confident when they are out in the deep forest of modern life”. More often than not we will find that their guiding compass is a mini version of our own.
Communication is not just words, it is more; it is understanding and trust. It is not getting the other person to do what we want; it is valuing each other. Communication is not domination, it is rather a giving of ourselves so others can grow and develop their own values and in turn share them with us.
So many things in our lives depend heavily on our ability to communicate. God in His wisdom has seen fit to put each one of us in our own unique situations. We can be thankful for that. On the other hand, it places an awful responsibility on each of us. God’s Law demands that we honor our father and mother. Never lose that one thought, and communication will be greatly improved. For despite our own sinful shortcomings, God will provide for each according to his or her need.